even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize