I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize