I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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