woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
