remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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