He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
