please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
