found the other keg... it's in the tree
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
