Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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