I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
