did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
