I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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