Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
