I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
