The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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