if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
