alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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