I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
birth control should be required to get into college
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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