What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
