ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The air was thick with penises
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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