im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have aggressive nipples.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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