in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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