I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
