So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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