my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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