I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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