Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
