Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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