He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
