You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
After last night, I could never be a politician.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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