I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
