it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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