I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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