Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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