God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
