I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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