I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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