look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
