If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
