also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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