peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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