Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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