I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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