ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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