Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
