We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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