My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize