you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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