Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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