By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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