she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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