Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
