Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
