maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
