I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
