There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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