Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
