Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
