I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
