On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She just used a chaser for red wine.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
